Divorce and Healing

“I DO” is a phrase all too commonly known by spouses. It is the phrase that represents both spouses’ mutual agreement to become one in matrimony. 

When two persons decide to get married, no one ever expects what was once a joyous decision to lead to an unexpected end—divorce. If spouses anticipated their marriage would end in divorce, they would never have gotten married in the first place. Who wants to experience the pain, hurt, heartache, and all the other adverse effects that divorce brings with it?

As an attorney, I have handled several divorce matters and assisted my previous boss with countless cases. However, one key thing I noticed is the majority of parties seeking and obtaining divorces have become broken in some way. Although parties to a divorce suit receive healing legally through the dissolvement of their marriage (through divorce), they still have unattended emotional and mental wounds. While performing divorce services for clients, I have learned divorce breeds the following: (a) unforgiveness; (b) trauma; and (c) word curses. When a person removes unforgiveness, trauma, and word curses, that person will find emotional, physical, and even spiritual healing.

In hopes that anyone thinking of divorce, currently seeking a divorce, or having been divorced may find healing, I am writing this blog.

Forgive & Receive Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not only for others who have wronged you but also for ourselves. If we hold onto unforgiveness, it will turn into bitterness, anger, coldness, and hate. Unforgiveness will cause you to have a bitter (i.e., negative) outlook on life, people, and various situations. It may even feaster into anger that boils out towards others, different situations, and things. And worst of all, unforgiveness can lead to you shutting off your heart to people, thus, becoming cold towards others with a stony heart or even developing hate inside your heart.

Forgive your spouse if they wronged you, and forgive yourself if in any way you feel you have wronged your spouse. Don’t hold yourself under lock and key because of guilt, shame, or disappointment.

Everyone deserves forgiveness, even ourselves.

Admit Trauma

Trauma is not typically a word people tie to divorce, although it is evident and present.

Trauma is known as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. When a person is in distress, that person is dealing with anxiety, sorrow, or pain. Divorce is just that—distressing.

Divorce is a separation. 

If you ever pulled apart wooden chopsticks that come in a packet or a double popsicle, you may remember that as you pulled them apart, there was all this tension that occurred before the two chopsticks or popsicles broke apart. Unfortunately, as they separated, the beak was not always clean. Sometimes pieces of one chopstick or popsicle either got stuck to the other or may have just broken.

Just like chopsticks and popsicles, when two persons divorce one another, there is a pulling-apart (separation) that occurs. During this separation, some instances may result in a clean break while others not so much. Although not all situations may look alike, one thing all divorces have in common is the tension that occurs from the breaking apart (separation) of the two persons. 

This tension and breaking apart can cause trauma (i.e., distress that results from anxiety, sorrow, or pain).

Steps to Handle Trauma Resulting from Divorce

Step 1

I learned the first step to addressing any trauma is to admit there is trauma. Be “honest, open, and transparent” with yourself. If you felt disappointed, upset, hurt, angered, abused, belittled, devalued, mistreated, misunderstood, etc., by your spouse or from events that occurred during your marriage, admit it.

Step 2

Once you have admitted that you have traumatic wounds, find a wise counselor who can help you go through your memories and emotions. But if you don't know whether you have trauma, this step would be where you should start. 

For you, first, find a wise counselor who can help you shift through your memories and emotions to determine if you have suffered trauma and suppressed those emotions and or memories.  

Because I am a firm believer in God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I recommend finding someone you can confide in who is led by the Holy Spirit to walk you through your healing process for your trauma.

Break Word Curses

This step will be easier said than done, but if you can accomplish it, watch how your heart receives healing.

When we speak to one another, out of our mouths can flow blessings or curses. I have seen many spouses speak curses over their spouse/ex-spouse and themselves, such as he or she is the devil, will never change, deceitful, no good, lazy, manipulative, you fill in the blank. Although some if not all of these things may be true, Jesus teaches us to call out those things that are not as though they were. All this means is that we should speak into existence the things we don’t see. 

Jesus also teaches us that the tongue is a powerful weapon that can build up or tear down. A vital step in breaking word curses is to denounce the word curses spoken and speak a blessing. For example, if I said my sister is lazy, I would denounce this word curse by saying my sister is not lazy and say a blessing by stating she is productive. The same thing goes for if I am talking about myself. Use words to speak blessings over your spouse/ex-spouse and yourself. You can state blessings over yourself and your spouse/ex-spouse by saying I am or he or she is loving, compassionate, considerate, a good listener, patient, a helper, a comforter, a hard worker, kind, humble, etc. If you or your spouse/ex-spouse do not exhibit these qualities, say them out loud anyway to speak these qualities into existence. As you start speaking blessings, watch how it will transform your heart to love, forgive, and push out bitterness, hate, anger, and more. 

Lastly, I am a fervent believer in prayer. Whenever someone has wronged me, I pray that God blesses them in every aspect of their life (job, relationship, health, finances, etc.). We should not pray prayers of revenge. If justice is needed, give it to God and let God handle it. Revenge is a weight we were never meant to carry. 

Overall, if you are (a) married and want a divorce; (b) in the process of getting a divorce; or (c) already divorced, I charge you to do a heart check and see if you are dealing with unforgiveness and trauma and to break any word curses you have spoken over your spouse or yourself.